audition pieces

Fairy Godmother

We bring an age-old story,

Told each year about this time.

Of virtue, vice, of rags and riches,

In your favourite pantomime.

A tale of greed and envy,

In a battle against good.

With evil being vanquished,

As we all know it should.

All your favourite panto people

Await to entertain.

So cheer and boo with all your might, (flourishing wand towards the curtains) It's pantomime time again! (exits)

Fairy Godmother and Penny

Fairy Godmother We must do something about your clothes!

Penny (looking at her clothes) What's wrong with them? I got them at Debenhams in Croydon.

Fairy Godmother Really, I thought you'd got them at Morrisons in Caterham.

Penny (offended) What! I never go there!

Fairy Godmother Now, Penny, do you know where you are?

Penny Yes, Miss.

Fairy Godmother Good. So - where are we then?

Penny (looking round, puzzled) Dunno, Miss.

Fairy Godmother (deep sigh) We are outside the house where Cinderella lives! (indicating) Over there. Now we are her Fairy Guardians, and we must keep watch to make sure there is a happy ending. Now, how is your magic practice coming along, dear?

Penny No good. All I can do is change people into frogs.

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Fairy Godmother Now see if you can cast a spell and bring on Prince Charming. Now remember, when casting a spell you must speak in rhyme.

Penny (pulling a face and casting about awkwardly with the wand)

Er. We wish the Prince to now approach,

So, er - make a wheel come off the coach.

Fairy Godmother (surprised) Make a wheel come off the coach! What sort of a spell is that?

Penny (shrugs shoulders) It's all I could think of. Wait a minute! How about:

We now would like the Prince to see,

So make a wheel come off for me.

(waves wand proudly and dramatically)

Fairy Godmother We're supposed to guard people - not break their necks! You can’t go wishing wheels off the Princes coach! He could end up in hospital - a fine ending to our panto that would be!

Penny Huh - he's probably in BUPA anyway. I thought if the wheel came off he would have to get out and walk past here. If he goes past in his coach, they (indicating audience) won't be able to see him, will theme I'm only trying to help.

Buttons (more with Back later)

Buttons (waving to audience) Hi everybody!

Audience Hi!

Buttons I'm Buttons! Say. Hi Buttons!

Audience Hi Buttons!

Buttons I work in there. (indicating) For Baron Boracic-Lint. He's sort of alright, but the others, they're horrible. Not Cinders I don't mean, she's sooo lovely, but the sisters, and their mother - they're awful, and they make poor Cinders work sooo hard. One day I'm going to be rich, and, win the lottery, and, take Cinders away so she'll never have to work again. I am! (proudly) I'm saving up. I am'. (indicating bag) Everything's in here. Look! There's some sweets! You can have those. (takes out sweets and throws them to the audience. Then other contents one by one and shows them to audience. This may include other items not mentioned here) Look. A kettle. (takes out battered old kettle) A candle - well - half a candle. (takes out remains of a candle) A spoon. (takes out bent spoon) I think that Yuri Geller - fella's been at that! Some old coins. (shows handful of coins) A mousetrap. (shows break-neck type mouse-trap shakes it and looks at it) It doesn't work, but I can probably fix it. (suddenly sad) It's not much, is it?

Hollyhock and Pansy

Either (to audience) Oh don't you start! I've got one of me heads. (points to head) This one up here. The other one's in the wardrobe. Ooh, I must leave that cooking sherry alone. I had such a nasty nightmare last night. (looks at audience) Gawd! I think I'm still having it! I can always tell when it's a good audience you know. Yes. (looks hard at audience) Good-bye! (makes to exit, stops) Only joking. No, you see, I woke up with a jerk this morning. (to woman in audience) Have you ever done that, Missis? (to audience) She's nodding her head. (to woman again, indicating man next to her) Is he with you, love'? Well you know then, don't you? (sees bag at side of stage, goes to it) Oh, what's this?

Cinderella, Hollyhock and Pansy

Hollyhock Oh! Here comes lazy bones!

Cinderella Hello, sisters.

Pansy You are not our sister! You are a mere step-sister.

Hollyhock (pushes Cinderella towards Pansy) Mother says you are not h'aristocratic, well bred and h'articulated, like what we are.

Pansy (pushes her back towards Hollyhock) You are a dirty, scruffy kitchen-maid!

Cinderella (protests, politely) But you would be dirty too if you did all my jobs.

Hollyhock OH! (pushing her again) Don't be impertinent to your betters, girl!

Pansy (pushes her) You should know your place! Where have you been all day?

Cinderella I've been collecting wood for the fire.

Pansy Well, where is it then?

Cinderella (lifting bundle) Here.

Hollyhock Is that all?

Cinderella It's all I could carry.

Pansy Huh! You're a useless good-for-nothing...

Hollyhock (pushing her again) Lazy bones.

Pansy Have you fixed that tear in my tank-top?

Hollyhock Yes, the one Pansy got off that Centurion tank! HA!

Pansy And that seam in my corsets.

Hollyhock Where poor Pansy burst right through! Ha!

Pansy (reaches across Cinderella, trying to hit Hollyhock) Ow, shut your gob!

Hollyhock (hitting back) Shan't!

Pansy (to Cinderella) What are you standing there for? I hope my dinner is ready? I'm starving!

Cinderella I'll get it ready now.

Prince and Dandini

Prince Funny how the wheel came off the coach like that, Dandini.

Dandini Yes, Highness. Thank heavens you did not break your neck. (looks round and points across stage) The Palace is this way, I think.

Prince (stops centre stage and looks around) You know, I should walk more often. You see so much more when you are on foot.

Dandini Yes, Highness.

Prince Who lives here, Dandini?

Dandini (looking around) I believe the Baron Boracic-Lint lives hereabouts.

Prince Oh yes. He's the one with the... er, those... er, (clears throat) sisters.

Dandini (pulling a face) Yes, quite.

Prince (making to go, suddenly nervous) Perhaps we should move on. Dandini.

Cinderella, Prince and Dandini

Prince Just a moment, Dandini. Surely a daughter would not be treated so roughly? We will have a word with her. But take care, do not mention that I am the Prince - it might embarrass her unnecessarily. (approaches Cinderella) Excuse me! I am sorry to take you away from your duties, but we are lost. Can you perhaps point us in the direction of the Palace?

Cinderella (turns to him, brightly) With pleasure. (pointing to off stage) The Palace lies in that direction, Sir. You must be new to the Palace to not know your way around.

Prince Er, yes, indeed we are. Er, newly appointed, yes - er, palace officials.

Prince nods to Dandini, pleased with his explanation. Dandini shakes his head

Cinderella Such fine clothes! It must be wonderful to work in a splendid palace.

Prince Yes - but work is work, wherever it may be, is it not?

More offstage shouts from the Ugly Sisters

Cinderella (with a glance back to the door, and a half-laugh) Were we to change places for a day, Sir, you might not say that.

Prince (glancing towards door) Yes, I see what you mean.

They share an understanding half- laugh

Cinderella Please excuse me. I must get on.

Prince (apologetic) Of course. I would not want to be responsible for you having no supper. Forgive us for troubling you. (lingers, reluctant to go)

Cinderella (smiling at him) It's no trouble at all.

Dandini We must get back, Your High, (corrects himself) er, to our duties. (makes to go again)

Prince (still reluctant to leave, looking at Cinderella) Yes, Dandini.

Dandini Your Hi, Sire, sir... (clears his throat, then shakes his head again)

They exit, Prince last, reluctantly, and casting a last look at Cinderella who wistfully watches them go

Cinderella (sighs) I wish I worked at the Palace. Ah well, (glances back towards Prince's exit) what would an important palace official like him want with a poor girl like me? He's probably forgotten me already. (shrugs shoulders and comes down to centre stage)

Short, Back and Sides

Back Here we are then. (indicating Baron's house) This is the place. (looking round) Where's he got to now?

Enter Bert Sides, following them, carrying all manner of decorating equipment: step-ladder, pots of paint, brushes, broom etc.

(to Sides) Come on, Bert. We haverit got all day.

Sides (putting down equipment, rubbing hands) I could do with some help with this lot.

Back Help? Dear, oh dear! (to Short) We'll have to get Mr Bert Sides a donkey.

Sides Youre joking - I'm not carrying that as well!

Back Look. We could be on a nice little earner here, with this job. (pointing to each in turn) 'Messrs Short, Back and Sides - H'Official Decorators to the H'Aristocracy'. It'll look good on the letterheads.

Short Are we goin' to get paid this time then?

Back Paid? 'Course we'll get paid. I put in a special price for this job, I did. Oh yes, we'll be working for a better class of people here. Not like that last job we did in...Where was it?

Short Coronation Street.

Sides Albert Square.

Back Well, around Hollyoaks, somewhere, anyway. We'll work anywhere.

Back and Buttons

Back Good morning, I'm Back.

Buttons (puzzled) Back? Where have you been?

Back I haven't been anywhere.

Buttons How can you be back then?

Back Oh, I'm Back alright.

Buttons Ah - I see. You've been here before, and now you've come back.

Back (looking round) No. I've never been here before.

Buttons (scratching his head) You haven't been here before, and you haven't been anywhere else, but you're back? Back That's right. I'm Back.

As Buttons puzzles over this, enter Short

(indicating Short) And he's Short.

Buttons Is he? (looking Short up and down) How short?

Back About five foot twelve and a half. (or whatever)

Buttons (pointing to Short) And that's short?

Back Oh yes, that's Short alright.

Buttons Have you been sniffing the boot polish'?

Enter Bert Sides

Back (indicating Bert Sides) And B. Sides.

Buttons (looking round) And besides'? Besides what?

Back B. Sides - (nodding towards Sides) him.

Buttons (looking round Sides) Besides him? What are you talking about?

Back Him.

Buttons Is there a psychiatrist in the house?

Back The B stands for Bert. Bert Sides!

Buttons Ah! Bert Sides - B. Sides. Why didn't you say so?

Back I just did.

Buttons So, (indicating Short) he's Mr Short, and you must be - Mr Back,

Back Right.

Buttons (sly grin at audience) What's your first name - Hunch? HA! HA! (does circle as 'Hunchback of Notre Dame') The bells! The bells!

Back No - Stan.

Buttons Stand Back - I doff t believe it!

Back Me middle name's, Will.

Buttons Stand Well Back! Help! It's a nightmare!

Back It’s true. We've come to decorate you.

Buttons (suddenly proud) Really? Why? What did I do?

Baron and Baroness

Baron (consults Accounts book, rises and walks up and down, muttering, 'Oh dear, oh, dear' etc., then sits at table) Dear me! If only those girls would spend less. Perhaps the Dressmaker can be persuaded to wait a little longer... Baroness (entering) Ah, there you are, Cuthbert.

Baron Here I ant, dearest. (puts Accounts Book on his head and tries a few steps balancing it, with arms out)

Baroness What are you doing, Cuthbert?

Baron Just trying to balance the books, dear. Ha!

Baroness Not funny, Cuthbert.

Baron (taking book down) No dear. Not funny. But everyone wants their money, dear. I've been for a loan to the bank that likes to say 'Yes'. They said 'No'. And to the listening bank - they wouldn't listen. What are we to do?

Baroness Let them wait. They are only common people, they don't matter. Now who are those strange persons wandering about the house?

Baron They are the decorators, my dear. You did want the house 'done up'.

Baroness I hope they are competent and reliable...

Baron No dear, we've just done that one. They are Short, Back and Sides.

Baroness Good. They can give you a quick trim while they're here. And make sure they don't make a mess. I hate having common people wandering about. And lock the family silver up.

Baron Ha! (consults Accounts Book) If I am not mistaken, the family silver was sold a long time ago. Yes, here we are, (points at book) when Macmillan was Prime Minister!

Baroness Never mind about your silly accounts now, Cuthbert. We must make plans for the Palace Ball. Our daughters must have something to dazzle the Prince.

Baron I'll get them a torch to shine in his eyes.

Baroness What'?

Baron I said, 'That'll be a nice surprise'.

Baroness Now, Cuthbert. I want you upstairs in the bedroom.

Baron (suddenly panicking) Oh! But I haven't been very well lately, dear! (coughs loudly) Nasty cough. (coughs again) Very contagious. Yes!

King, Queen and Chamberlain

King Is everything in readiness for the Ball, Lord Chamberlain?

Chamberlain Yes, Majesty.

King How exciting! Plenty of those scrumptious sausage and thingys on sticks?

Chamberlain Of course, Majesty.

King Goody! And a military band? I love a military band!

Queen (to King) Enough of that! (to Chamberlain) Are you sure you summoned the Prince to meet us here?

Chamberlain Quite sure, Majesty.

Queen We should not be kept waiting, we are royalty you know.

Chamberlain Of course you are, Majesty.

Queen Things are not what they used to be.

Chamberlain No, Majesty. I blame the peasants, Majesty.

Queen Young people today do not obey their parents.

Chamberlain I blame the young peasants, Majesty.

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King and Queen enter, Followed by Lord Chamberlain, walking across the stage

Queen What is all that commotion? Why is everyone so noisy, and running about? It is not dignified!

King I don’t know, dear.

Chamberlain It appears that one of the guests has 'gawn off in a hurry. Majesty.

Queen Huh! Is that all? What a lot of fuss about nothing.

Chamberlain Yes, Majesty The peasants are inclined to be noisy, Majesty